“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
peep davidson
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Ghost costume 😂
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again