Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Finally!

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss