“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.