Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
All. The. Damn. Time.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.