Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.