Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]