did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet