Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

britain’s three elite institutions

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁