did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware