did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”