did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
multitasking lunch
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist