did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*launders Kohls cash*
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*