meow
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*