Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
We all have our pet causes.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life