Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler