Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE