Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.