Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Breaking news:

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

Education is vital

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.