“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
i wonder why they stopped looking
