“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness