Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.