Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

I stand by it

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!