Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Windows

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning