βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
π Sound up
You Might Also Like
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.π’”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
saw a couple walking into trader joeβs and the girl said βwow look at all the pretty flowersβ and the guy replied βoh yeah it must be flower seasonβ please pray for him
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background βaccidentallyβ so women know they can afford meat
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
HER: Hi, Iβm your real estate agent.
ME: Itβs okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say βestate agentβ.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, Iβll remember who itβs for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
Ghost costume π
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded βeither a chef or a spy, so either way, iβm going to the CIA,β and itβs been 30 years and thatβs still one of the best jokes iβve ever heard in my life.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if thereβs an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes