Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

My circle of trust is a meatball

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

handsome & gretel

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.