Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!