did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?