Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
