Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
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[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS