Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
he was correct
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?