“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Best table by far
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad