Did I do this right
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.