Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…