Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.