did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.