did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet