Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
TRAIN’S HERE
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing