Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I just tested negative for patience.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
😭😭😭😭
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.