Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope