Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Watermelon Boss!
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Twitter fine art
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.