Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
buys donuts instead
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”