Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
lmao😭🤣
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!