Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Dammit Chief not again

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”