Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.