Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Practicing safe sax
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
🙅🏻
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.