Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
getting seasonal up in here
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
is it too early for christmas memes
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood