Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”