Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
these can’t be my only options
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.