Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Did…did a minotaur write this

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

When your diet is finally over.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Morning my dudes.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.