Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

we’re dead?

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Tough love is true love

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.