Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
The Backseat Boys
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Plant care tips
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
For anyone who needs this today
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm