Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You Might Also Like
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned