Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing