Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.