Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
You Might Also Like
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom