Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
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My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
There’s never enough good news
