did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]