did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.