did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.