did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou