Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

There are no pants in heaven.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.