“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Meow?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
New comic up. “Ransom”