A community gardening co-op called Weed ‘em & Reap
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Marriage: when hanging out goes way too far.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.