@jasonmustian

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

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@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

@SadMeterologist

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”

@benterwin

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

@waitfortheQ

My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.

@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

@shutupmikeginn

I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.