Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

socratic questions

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.