“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I need this for my side hustle.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.