“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.