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@therealeatwood
@bobinhiding
Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.
@thatUPSdude
Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.
Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.
@LindaInDisguise
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
@angibangie
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
@neonwario
I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”
@christine_p_33
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
@AbbieEvansXO
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
@TheMichaelRock
Hey chubby dudes rockin’ tight polo shirts. Nope.
@Beatonm5
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???