“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

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Look kid, its not “passing out” if I have a blanket over me. Now be a dear and turn off the kitchen lights.


Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.


I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.


*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.


I excuse myself to the washroom before I order
You walk in and see me, leaning towards the mirror repeating “I’ll have the hamburger please”


Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!


yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist


Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make